This is supposed to be a blog about discovering who you are, being happy with that person, and the journey throughout. You might notice it’s been a little silent here lately. Somehow, both writers, despite our very different lives, are both just… meh.
It’s amazing how three letters, one syllable, and what I’m pretty sure is just a sound and not even a word, can convey so much and so little at the same time. There’s nothing terribly wrong going on in my life. I can’t seem to be productive on my research, which is terrifying considering the due date for a completed dissertation is looming ever-nearer. My students are exhausting, and somehow more so with the online classes, but I have a teaching assistant who is taking the brunt of the grading. In other words, I’m not any more stressed than I normally am.
I’m even okay. I dyed my hair red. I bought a ridiculously expensive laptop that is supposed to last me the rest of my life, basically. It’s so unbelievably useful and gorgeous and fun that I want to spend hours just exploring its features (everyone should get a Surface Book). My truck works (it wasn’t before). And yet. I am not socializing much. I barely sleep. When I do, it’s to go to bed at odd hours of the morning (oh, is that sunshine out my window?) only to wake up in the afternoon. Even when I do sleep, my dreams have been strange. I woke myself up yelling; I won’t say screaming because it wasn’t that horror movie scream. I was sitting straight up in bed with a pillow clutched to my chest when I became aware. I don’t know what I was dreaming about to cause that.
Bad sleeping pattern? Check.
Lack of motivation? Check. (Did I mention I stopped exercising?)
Poor diet? Triple check. (I’ve also been eating out. Or not eating at all.)
I recognize the signs of moving into a depression funk. I know the things that help me combat that. But I don’t really FEEL depressed. There’s nothing wrong. There’s generally a lot of things that are pretty damn decent. I’m just… meh.
I don’t know that there is even a point to this post other than to reach out to the handful of readers. I feel like we made a deal with you when we started this blog that we would explore this journey of figuring out ourselves and learning to embrace those weird little nerds (well, in my case at least), and this “meh struggle” seems to be part of it. Is it depression? Is it just laziness? Is it summer blues? Exhaustion? A combination of any and all? I don’t know the answer. But I do know that this seems to be where I’m sitting. In the worst waiting room of life, with bland furniture and beige walls, and not even a Highlights magazine to keep me occupied. Meh.
What do you do to combat the meh? If you have a secret to dealing with those times in life where you can’t seem to find the spark, we’d love to know! It’s hard when my usual mechanisms just aren’t working out. It’s frustrating when you can see that things are wrong and can’t seem to figure out what to do to fix them.
How do you find your way out of “meh”?
Still from my over-caffeinated ❤ to yours, with all the meh I’ve got to give,