Life, Relationships

My Mothers Strings

Every mother-daughter relationship is tricky. And each relationship is different. I know mine certainly isn’t the worst one out there but it has definitely gotten harder as I get older.

My grandmother once told me that the older I got, the more my mom would dislike me, and I her. Because I would form my own opinions and not swallow every word that fell from her lips.

At the time I nodded. I already disagreed with many of the things that my mother did or said. I never thought it would get to the point that it is now.

Every word that comes out of her mouth feels like sandpaper.

She comes into the room and I feel myself shrink. And I cannot begin to explain why. My feelings towards her terrify me.

Instead of encouraging me to leave home and live my dreams. I was given a guilt trip. That if I left to live my dreams, I would be leaving her all alone. And I would never come back. And she would be alone. Until she died. Alone.

So I ended up a mere 100 miles away. We live in Texas, trust me, that’s not a lot. Especially when my ultimate goal was to go “across the pond”. Or at least Dallas.

As I am slowly trying to pull myself away and cut the strings that I thought had already been cut. I can feel her sewing those strings into my son.

She recently told me that if she doesn’t see her grandson, she gets so depressed she can’t function. That terrifies me. I don’t want him to have those strings. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t do something he wants to do because she doesn’t really want him to do it.

And I continue to receive the “die alone” guilt trip. So much so that now, I don’t even care. On my strongest days I want to cut every tie to her. And I am serious.

I have unfollowed her on Facebook. I went so far as to block her phone number for a few weeks so that if she did try to talk to me, I wouldn’t have to hit “ignore”. I even told her that if she needed me, she should contact my husband.

There have been people in my life that I could not wait to get away from. I couldn’t run fast enough. I have never wanted to get away from anyone more than I have wanted to escape from her net of strings.

Will I be able to? I don’t know. It’s been instilled in me that family is family and you don’t turn your back. But if your family makes you miserable, don’t we, as individuals, have that right to turn away? For the sake of our own happiness and well being? 

Something has to change.

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