What I feel are life changing events is what has tempted me to start this blog. I don’t know if it will go anywhere or become anything more than my personal thoughts but I am definitely putting my best foot forward with it.
At the moment – I am super sensitive to posting anything on certain social media channels – there’s some things that I’m just not ready for my personal family and friends to see.
It’s been a rough few years for me emotionally. For the sake of argument, I’ll say it started in 2015 but my close friends know that it started a long time before that.
I graduated from college in 2014, got pregnant, had my baby boy in 2015 and got married the same year. So I have started this whole new chapter of my life all at once and the one person that I thought I would have been able to talk to about everything, I realized that I can’t. And I think it’s time to let that relationship go. I’m not talking about my husband by the way – he’s my rock.
I realized it my senior year. When we were applying to colleges…or not applying to college. When we were getting the big envelopes in the mail with all of the paperwork and information and confetti that exploded out in happiness…or we were receiving the small normal sized envelope with nothing but a disappointing “Thank you for applying…” but we’re not interested letters.
I got the big envelope. With confetti. And a lot of my friends didn’t. I left them behind because I had to – I had to get out of that town. I didn’t get as far as I wanted, in fact, I changed my game plan at the last minute because of a melt-down from my mom.
“If you leave, don’t plan on coming back”
For a lot of us, college was getting out of that small town. It was meant to be our escape. And for a lot of my friends – they didn’t get out. They’re still there and on social media, they seem happy but I can’t see myself there with them and I don’t wish to be there with them, so I know I did the right thing.
It’s hard to break away from friendships and relationships. Change is hard for most people. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and you shouldn’t feel guilty because you have to leave some relationships in the past. In order to grow as a healthy individual, you have to branch out and be exposed to thoughts and ideas that are different from yours.
And it’s not just your relationship with others that is difficult to change. The relationship you have with yourself is just as hard to maneuver as well.
These are all things that I hope to touch on with this blog. It’s just written by a girl who has decided to take her life by the reigns and break-free of the mainstream. It’s all about loving yourself and being free to be who you are without worrying what everyone is going to say or think. Advice on dropping the toxic relationships, get closer to nature, enjoy the family and friends that you want to spend time with. I want to inspire you to set new goals for yourself and live the life you’ve been waiting for.
What is it about relationships, am I right? Sometimes they save you, and other times, they break you.
Lately, it seems more and more, the relationships I once held dear have been the ones set on destroying me. I think it’s because we allow so many people to tell us what we’re supposed to have, how we’re supposed to be happy, and what that happy looks like. We have Instagram, Facebook, Twitter… all these social media platforms throwing our friends’ and acquaintances’ happiness in our faces, we can’t seem to help comparing our lives to theirs and feeling like we fall short.
Like Morgan, I’ve recently had to re-evaluate some relationships in my life. One, a friendship that lasted 20 years and another relationship that was short-lived but devastating in the cost. Broken hearts and all that. It’s amazing how deeply rejection can cut us, and how much of our own value we place in the opinions of others. Losing these relationships made me doubt my worth. If, after years of friendship, it is so easy to dismiss me, did I ever really matter at all?
This part is totally cliche, but sometimes, there is beauty in the breaking.
Nothing about being rejected or realizing you have to let people who matter to you out of your life is easy. There’s nothing that feels good about it. There’s definitely nothing beautiful about the pain, the depression, and the ugly-crying into a bag of Doritos while watching Outlander (Oops, just me?). However, sometimes we have to break. We have to find ourselves out of options, excuses, and lies to tell ourselves so we can finally see the truth. Sometimes, the breaking is necessary for the fresh start and fresh perspective we need. Because, in that moment, when you find yourself questioning everything about you – about your worth and what you mean to people and who you really are and who you really want to be – you are finally honest. It’s hard to lie when you’ve hit rock bottom. There’s nothing left to lose there.
Relationships make us and break us. They’re necessary as human beings. They drive us, inspire us, strengthen us. Validate us. But when things are not right, when the relationships are not healthy, they defeat us. Demoralize us. We’re constantly stressed about trying to do everything we can to just be more – more of what he wants, more like that person, more this and less me.
I don’t know about Morgan, but I do know the rejection – the breaking I’ve felt the past couple months – it’s changed me. And it did bring beauty. It forced me to be honest with myself. It forced me to confront the fact that I have measured my worth by how others – even close friends – viewed me and how they valued me. And because I realize that even people who love you can and will hurt you – you need to learn to value and love yourself more. Losing these relationships has made me reach out to new people. I’ve broadened my horizons and started participating in new activities. I’ve made new friends and socialized with people outside my typical circle. I’ve started seriously thinking about what makes me happy and why. I’m evaluating the relationships I have with people. Does this relationship benefit us both? Are we both happy? Or should I let it go? I need to get to a place where I know myself and love myself, with all my flaws and imperfections, before I can expect other people to love me. And when someone doesn’t love you, need you, or want you (because, let’s face it, we all know that’s going to happen), it will hurt, but it will be okay, because you know and are proud of who you are, and you don’t have to be everything for everyone.
The saying has it wrong. The beauty isn’t in the breaking. It’s in the creation that is made after. No matter what you are going through, who you have lost, or how broken you feel, you now have the opportunity to create something new, stronger, better. Happier.
We can do it together. I hope as Morgan and I explore our lives and our thoughts and our emotions, sometimes together and sometimes apart, that we build better versions of ourselves. FreeFlyingFemales 2.0. And I hope we help someone out there who needs to know that they aren’t alone in trying to figure out who you are and who you’re going to be. Maybe the ramblings of two 20-somethings (okay, one of us is almost 30), figuring their lives out, will help you figure out yours.